Disclaimer: Yes, we’re joking about this. It’s been two weeks since we’ve been able to watch hockey, we’re trying to keep ourselves entertained over here.
After the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl (and lost me a substantial amount of money that I had bet on Patrick Mahomes), they celebrated the one only Tampa could: with a boat parade. The Tampa Bay Lightning did the same thing when they won the Stanley Cup a few months before.
The parade had everything. First, you had Tom Brady throwing the Lombardi Trophy between boats like it was a $15 nerf football from Target. Then you had Tom Brady drunker than a college freshman who just discovered white claw stumbling on dry land. Brady said he had a little bit of avocado tequila, but what is avocado tequila? Is it tequila made from avocados? Does it taste like avocados? I have so many questions.
The New Jersey Devils Should have A Boat Parade
I spoke to my Tampa area correspondent (who was previously fellow Devils Army Network writer Tommy Zilinski, until he retired from the University of Tampa lifestyle) who was at the parade. He described the atmosphere as âlitâ and âso lit bro, you wouldnât understand.” If that intelligent word picture convinced me of one thing itâs that whenever the New Jersey Devils win the Stanley Cup, they should have a boat parade.
The Devils famously had their parking lot celebrations at the old Continental Airlines Arena (they changed the name from Brendan Byrne Arena before I was born) parking lot. Devils’ super fan Yogi Berra (the guy knew how to pick winners) said the team should hold parades through the suburbs of New Jersey. Why not embrace a new tradition popularized by Tampa?
Where Would They Have It?
A famous fake New Jerseyan once asked âwhereâs the beach?â Luckily for her, and the millions of New Yorkers who invade our state every summer, thereâs plenty of beautiful coast-line along the Jersey Shore to make this happen. Imagine the scene: we could have Nico Hischier and Jesper Bratt on racing jet skis. We could have Mackenzie Blackwood on his own pirate ship (because pirates are awesome, thatâs why).
Why limit the parade to just boats? Maybe Nikita Gusev knows how to drive one of those Cold War-era Soviet submarines? Then we can really have a diverse flotilla. I just hope none of them follow Brady by throwing the Stanley Cup in between boats.
You Can’t Have Boats In Newark!
The Devils play in Newark, and there is water in Newark. Then again, itâs the very polluted water, you know the kind you expect Godzilla to climb out of at the beginning of a disaster movie. The party should move a little down South. The Devils have held their annual âBeach Bashâ in point pleasant, however, that might be too far south before we head into Philadelphia Flyers territory. Nonetheless, it is fun to dream.